The Naked Man
by SoftGray
Summary: Draco and Theo know better than to take dating advice from Blaise. But Draco's going through a dry spell and Theo is out for some old-fashioned revenge. And this new plan works two out of three times, guaranteed. Two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

**The Naked Man**

by SoftGray

 _"Works two out of three times, guaranteed"_

* * *

Draco forced himself to pay attention. He really tried. But the girl across from him was blathering on about her guest fashion spot in the Daily Prophet and he was sorely tempted to face-plant straight into his zuppa inglese and feign illness.

He couldn't even remember her name for Merlin's sake! She was the usual socialite fare he went on dates with, so it was a safe bet that she was named after some exotic locale. London, Milan, Paris, Tokyo, St. Petersburg...

Let it here be stated that Draco did his best to avoid being labelled a womanizer. He hated taking to bed women with whom he had no emotional connection and he always, always waited three days before owling to inquire about a second date.

It wasn't his fault that his taste involved lavish restaurants; the kind that attracted gossip columnists and nosy busybodies like flies to honey.

And boy, it had been forever since his number had come up for a hot shag. Draco was most recently in a highly publicized and rather unsatisfactory two year relationship with Miss Hermione "Iron-Knickers" Granger, and never quite rebounded properly afterward like all of his friends so strongly encouraged.

So maybe, maybe, one would be encouraged to forgive him if he left his genteel manner at the door and succumbed to his supposed womanizing ways.

St. Petersburg had finally stopped talking and was instead seductively licking the edge of her spoon leaving no morsel of tiramisu untouched. Draco could have done worse - she was classically attractive, boasting full, cherry red lips, well manicured brows, and strawberry blonde hair that curled lightly to her shoulders. An overall assessment excited Draco as he had noticed her shapely behind when he pulled out her chair at the beginning of dinner and her silver wrap dress gently cradled a pair of sizeable, er, protrusions.

And if he had to go by the way she was practically deep throating her dessert spoon, the lustful thoughts were definitely mutual. She said something else, a jumble of sounds that seemed to contain the words 'leave' and 'flat'. Draco needed no further prompting.

He cleared his throat to clear his mind and motioned to the waiter for the cheque.

* * *

"I'm telling you, it worked like a charm! She went to the kitchen to grab glasses for the wine I had so thoughtfully brought, and when she came out -" Blaise Zabini made a sweeping motion with his hands as he mimed Vanishing his clothes and struck a pose with his hands on his hips and one foot propped on the lower rung of Draco's bar stool. Draco couldn't help but laugh and next to him Theodore Nott nearly fell off his chair.

"That's the big secret to getting laid? You just show up starkers and bam?! Sweet Circe, I need to give that a try." Theo was positively giggly as Blaise resumed his seat between the friends.

"I think there has to be some element of surprise, she can't be expecting it. And I'm seventy percent sure that Clara just felt sorry for me." Clara was the girl that Blaise had been on a few dates with, but much to the disgust of all the boys (and probably all men everywhere) she punctuated each and every sentence with uncontrollable giggles and a ripple of ginger curls. Not even close to wife material. Theo shrugged and motioned for another round.

"Well whatever the reason is, it can't be awful if it ends in sex!"

* * *

Outside the restaurant St. Petersburg held Draco's arm in a vice-like grip and with little preamble Apparated the pair of them to her flat.

"Sorry," she offered in way of apology. "That restaurant was terribly stuffy and I felt like we weren't really having a good time." Draco verbally agreed, casting his eyes around her place for a clue to her name. He didn't trust himself in conversation with her until he knew.

Ah ha! There upon the chaise lay a quilt in gold and grey that boasted a large letter 'P'. Paris it was.

"No problem. Besides your flat is much cozier than mine. Coffins and skulls aren't really the best decor to bring a lady home to." Draco turned on the charm full blast and Paris laughed, tinkling peals that filled the small room, and gestured him to the chaise.

"Make yourself comfortable. I'll just grab my articles from the bedroom and prepare to be torn to shreds by your expert literary eye!" She pressed her hand to her chest and mimed fainting before grinning like a manic and skipping off and out of sight.

Draco paused. Had he misjudged this? Had she only brought him home to critique her - probably awful - writing? As he thought this, his tie hit the floor and shoes and socks were discarded. Oh well, he mused as his shirt joined his tie, committed to the bit now.

Draco could see the shock written all over Paris' face as she bounded back in and saw him in all his glory. He definitely heard the thud of her binder as it hit the hardwood floor.

"You're naked." Paris stated. Draco tried hard not to roll his eyes. "Why are you naked?"

"Well...because...we, uhhhhhh, this." Draco gestured between the two of them and firmly held her gaze, not offering further explanation and desperate not to be any kind of pity shag. As the seconds ticked by and he stood there awkwardly, he felt like he deserved one more and more for trusting Blaise and giving in to his ridiculous scheme.

And then the impossible happened. Paris shrugged and reached for the tie on her wrap dress, letting the silvery material fall to the floor next to her beloved writings. She had forgone any sort of underwear that night and Draco mentally punched the air as he smirked at the glorious sight before him and whisked her off to the bedroom.

* * *

Somewhere in the midst of his orgasmic haze Draco uttered a name with a gutteral cry as he flopped bonelessly onto her sheets. He was sure the name was 'Paris' and not 'Hermione' or 'St. Petersburg'. There was too much heat flooding his body to tell.

As the room and the pair, post coitus, cooled off, Draco felt the girl shift uncomfortably in his arms. His mind drifted and turned its attention back on her, hoping his urgent need for release hadn't left her hurt or scarred or -

"Draco, my name is Phoenix."

Bugger.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** This is my first return to writing in quite a few years! Un beta-ed and thumbed out on my phone in the dead of night. The whole plot is a reference to the Season 4 episode of "How I Met Your Mother" entitled _The Naked Man._

 **Disclaimer:** I own no part of Harry Potter or HIMYM


	2. Chapter 2

**The Naked Man**

by SoftGray

 _"Works two out of three times, guaranteed"_

* * *

Blind dating was for Muggles. Blind dating was for Muggles. But no matter how many times Theodore Nott repeated that mantra to himself, the fact of the matter was that he was standing outside _"Madame Remy's Speed Dating for Esteemed Witches and Wizards"._ The dingy pop-up shop appeared on Diagon Alley like clockwork on the first of each month and registration was by owl only with spots filling up months in advance.

Theo had not submitted his own form, oh no, that distinction fell to his best friend, Pansy Parkinson. She had filled out the personality section taking into account his awful, tongue-in-cheek sense of humor and had sent a rather rude yet flattering snapshot along with it. In fact, Theo had no clue she had even done this until he got a reply by way of a large tawny owl stating that Madame Remy was very much looking forward to his presence at the May 1st event. Seven o'clock sharp, business casual.

"It'll be good for you," Pansy had stated matter of factly. "There are going to be tons of eligible witches that are outside your usual social circles who would love to have a crack at becoming the future Missus Nott. And even if you don't find anyone you fancy, you might pick up another notch on your bedpost, so it's a win-win."

So there he was. It was six fifty-eight and half of Theo just wanted to keep lurking in Diagon Alley forever. The other half was just a wee bit curious as to what lay in his future if he went through with this. But curiosity killed the cat! he tried to tell himself as he pushed open the horrid moth-eaten curtains and stepped inside.

* * *

The worn down, dilapidated exterior held no clues as to the lavish interior. Theo had stepped in, and an invisible force had promptly declared him "Theodore Reginald Nott, Number Eleven" which led him to what looked like an antique chair in front of a velvet draped table with the number 11 written in exquisite calligraphy on a placard. There was soft mood lighting from actual flames in actual sconces on the oak paneled walls and if the name of the game hadn't been speed dating then the cozy, chintzy parlor would have been uncomfortably small.

There were only a few chairs left empty, everyone had been punctual. Theo feared for a second that he would run into someone that he recognized, but thankfully Pansy had been right - this was definitely out of his social circle.

The clock struck seven with deep tones that reverberated within each guest and one last participant rushed in the door, hair and dress askew hoping she wouldn't cause a scene. But for Theo she had been causing scenes in his life ever since he had dated and nastily broke up with one of his best mates.

"Hermione Jean Granger, Number Ten." cried the disembodied voice and quite a few heads whipped around to catch sight of the prettiest member of the Golden Trio, the ex-girlfriend of Draco Malfoy, the resident bitch of the Magical Law Enforcement. Theo could have come up with monikers all day and all night and none of them were very nice. She took a seat at a table five down from Theo and smiled nervously at her partner. They'd have to make small talk eventually.

A swishing sound heralded the arrival of Madame Remy, large and buxom woman who could have been forty or one-hundred and forty. Her bejeweled and tasseled robes trailed behind her as she made to stand at the head of the room.

"Welcome, guests to this month's privileged dating session. I, of course, am Madame Remy. You will be given fifteen minutes with each of ten partners tonight and I encourage you to make the most of that time by getting to know them as opposed to other, unsavory activities." Here she pursed her lips disapprovingly and Theo was sure that at some point a couple had played an exciting game of footsie beneath the velvety draped tables.

"At the end of the evening, on the exit form, you will list the numbers of the men and women you would want further information on and it will be owled to you within forty-eight hours. Any questions?" There were none as most everyone in the room had their eye on some poor witch or wizard they wanted to get to know better. Theo for his part, was looking forward to spending fifteen minutes spewing vitriol at Granger's face.

There was a soft chime and as murmurs of conversation started all around him, Theo plastered a winning smile on his face and turned his attention to his first date of the night.

* * *

Number One had been an interesting and lively girl. She worked for Gringotts and wouldn't say much about herself, preferring to ask questions about Theo. Worth a follow up.

Number Two and Three were a set of twins who did. not. shut. up. about each other. "Well my sister Three played professional Quidditch, you wouldn't guess she's so fit under those robes!" and "Well, you got to meet Two, I'm sure you loved her. We were on vacation in Shanghai and this poor waiter proposed to her after our meal!"

Numbers Four, Five and Six went by in a blur of tanned arms and well coiffed hair. None of them were particularly interesting and Theo was content to 'hmm' and sigh his way through the three dates.

Number Seven kept comparing Theo to the dashing and handsome Number 14 she had made conversation with a few tables back. It wouldn't have come as a surprise if the two of them were already in a relationship and were looking to add some diversity to their date nights.

Number Eight was definitely the kind that needed a warning from Madame Remy not to try any funny stuff. She spent the fifteen minutes rubbing her ankles against Theo's, making bedroom eyes across the table and biting her red, red nails seductively around her red, red lips.

Number Nine, Julia, was definitely the highlight of the night. She had Theo laughing from the start and spent as much time grinning from ear to ear while talking to Theo as he spent trying not to get lost in her grey eyes. Julia certainly had a _je ne sai quois_ about her and Theo was prepared to ask for permission to reach out to her before the chime rang, signalling the last date.

Granger. She took a seat before him, a vision in periwinkle, but Theo kept having flashbacks to the stony glares she gave him back in Hogwarts and the dismissive way she had treated him while dangling on Draco Malfoy's arm.

"Hi, I'm Hermione Granger." She grinned at him and her face registered no familiarity. She didn't remember him. She didn't fucking remember him.

Oh, this was perfect.

"Reg." Theo straightened his tie and relaxed his arms, trying his best to look as casual and approachable as possible. He had to knock this date out of the park.

Fifteen minutes of Nott charm later, Granger was besotted. Theo could see it in the way she curled her hair around her finger and blushed prettily every time Theo leaned in to talk to her.

"Tell you what, Miss Granger. There's a darling gelato shop down the road from here. What do you say to breaking all the rules and grabbing some together after this?" Was there no end to how frequently women could blush? It was like staring at one of those Muggle traffic lights, blinking red every thirty seconds.

"Well, I'm not sure I ought to. It would be rude of me to go out for gelato without when there are so many charming men in this room." Granger fought the blush from her cheeks and looked coquettishly at him from behind her eyelashes. Theo tried hard not to roll his eyes. And then played his trump card.

"I like to think I know you better than the slew of charming men you have to fight off daily. I like to think I know that you _like_ breaking rules sometimes." His voice was barely a whisper and he covered Granger's hand in his own. This time there was no responsive blush, just a slack-jawed and awed look on her face that told Theo he had won.

"Fifteen minutes." The chimes rang for the last time.

* * *

Theo had hurriedly scribbled in his exit form and stood nervously outside the gelato shop. He couldn't remember the last time he had been nervous about anything, but then again, he couldn't remember the last time he was plotting a scheme so dastardly exquisite.

Granger had shown, as Theo knew she would, and after a shared bowl of stracciatella he invited her to his flat for a nightcap. She, as innocent as ever, thought the offer was genuinely for coffee or tea or wine and happily accompanied him home.

"Reg, mind pointing me to the toilet?" She smiled vaguely towards him and around the flat before walking off, not waiting for any direction. Typical Granger.

Theo only had a few minutes, so he had to move fast. He quickly Vanished his clothes and grabbed the camera. He set the timer to go off every twenty seconds after three minutes and set it on the bookshelf behind him. His naked ass might be in a few of the shots, but that was a small price to pay for the humiliation that followed.

Then he waited. And waited. And waited. There was no sound, nothing to indicate that the toilet had been flushed or that Granger was going through his medicine cabinet. There hadn't even been the distinctive pop of Apparition. Theo crept to the bathroom to find the door ajar and no sign of Granger. There was, however, a small owl tapping on the glass of the window. Theo let it in and after it dropped a tightly furled scroll onto the armchair in the other room, it took off again, through the window and into the night.

 _Theo,_

 _Thanks for the lovely evening! Unfortunately, I didn't feel like falling victim to any prank played by one of Malfoy's friends, so you can forgive me if I didn't stay._

 _Til next time,_

 _Hermione Granger_

Theo stood there, gobsmacked. He had been played in return. Brightest witch of her age, indeed. He felt himself stiffen and blamed it on the cold air still coming from the open window and not any arousal caused by being outwitted by Granger.

The camera went off behind him in a brilliant flash.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Part two! Hope you enjoyed it :) Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

 **Disclaimer:** I own no part of Harry Potter or HIMYM


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